Saturday, March 20, 2010

When Can I Hold My Baby?

I am getting frustrated at this point.  Everyday when I go in to see Eddie I ask if I can hold him.  I am repeatedly told that he has not been cleared.  This breaks my heart.  I feel like I am letting Eddie down.  He is going through so much and has not been held.  How can I express love to this child of mine without touching him?  I am really struggling with this, it is VERY hard.  I, again, resolve the best thing I can do is BE PRESENT, be around, rub his little hand.  Heartbreaking.  It has been a week, or more, at this point.  I want to hold him!  I want to kiss him.  I want him against me. Don't babies do better when they are held?  Haven't we all seen this?  What if he is struggling due to lack of affection?  I put myself aside and do what the doctors say to do.  I am there.  If I am not there, his dad is there.  If we have to do something with the girls, we are making a phone call to check.  I feel like a third party.  But this is not my time to pout or feel sorry for myself.  I tell myself to be strong and I ask my dad, who is in Heaven, to watch over him.