Saturday, March 20, 2010
I am getting frustrated at this point. Everyday when I go in to see Eddie I ask if I can hold him. I am repeatedly told that he has not been cleared. This breaks my heart. I feel like I am letting Eddie down. He is going through so much and has not been held. How can I express love to this child of mine without touching him? I am really struggling with this, it is VERY hard. I, again, resolve the best thing I can do is BE PRESENT, be around, rub his little hand. Heartbreaking. It has been a week, or more, at this point. I want to hold him! I want to kiss him. I want him against me. Don't babies do better when they are held? Haven't we all seen this? What if he is struggling due to lack of affection? I put myself aside and do what the doctors say to do. I am there. If I am not there, his dad is there. If we have to do something with the girls, we are making a phone call to check. I feel like a third party. But this is not my time to pout or feel sorry for myself. I tell myself to be strong and I ask my dad, who is in Heaven, to watch over him.